Critical dialog The original English text is called Crucial Conversation.It talks about how we should deal with when we encounter a key dialogue to achieve satisfactory results.What is the key dialogue?Key dialogue mainly occurs in the following three situations:
- When you need to discuss important topics, for example, if you discuss the issue of salary increase with your boss, you and your children discuss the problem of over-play over-the -game, you and business partners discuss the company’s future development issues, and so on.When the content you discuss is critical, then this dialogue is the key dialogue.
- When there is serious differences between the two sides of the topic discussion, this dialogue is also a key dialogue.For example, the wife and husband have serious differences in whether they have a second child.The husband wants to have two babies, and the wife thinks that one child is good.
- When there is a serious conflict between the two sides of the topic discussion, the original conventional dialogue is upgraded to a key dialogue.For example, if you discuss the progress of the project with your colleagues, you can anger your colleagues in one sentence.At this time, the atmosphere of the conversation is full of gunpowder, then the conversation at this time has become a key dialogue.
How should you deal with these tricky conversations as a dialogue?What tools and methods can be used?The following book “Crucial Conversations” (Chinese translation “Key Dialogue”) gave us the answer.
How to deal with key dialogue?
Do you have an experience of dropping the chain in an important dialogue?Originally, he had to propose a salary increase with the leader, and quarreled with the leader; he had to discuss the child’s educational issue with his wife.As a result, the husband and wife were blamed each other; they had to discuss excessive use of mobile phones with their children.As a result, the child left home;We originally wanted to solve them reasonably about these key dialogues, but the results were often unsatisfactory and the effect was not good.What was the reason?It may be that we have not mastered the correct methods and tools for handling key dialogue.
When dealing with key dialogue, people often enter two misunderstandings: “silent”, or “violent treatment”.
Regarding “quietness”, the author gave an example in the text that a woman went to the hospital to undergo a flat conductor resection, but the hospital missed the other part of the lady’s body.But this is not a single incident.In the United States, there are 200,000 medical deaths caused by artificial mistakes each year.Some of these incidents are because many medical staff or assistants have not been pointed out in time when they find problems.In your life, you find that your boss has a deviation in decision-making in the company.Will you speak silently?This silence may come from authority, consideration from consideration of maintenance relationships, and so on.But is this really the right way?
Regarding “violent treatment”, that is, language attack, the author said that as a person, we often know everything we show, so we hope that everyone else can believe and accept our views.We will doubt different views.We will also use any power to achieve goals and even hurt others.We may use the authority of our boss and often use harmful words.Of course, the ultimate goal is the same, that is, forcing others to accept our views.In your life, talk to children, family, and colleagues about how can you turn your face?Do you have to compete with others in a conversation?The result of violence treats others often hurts others and hurts themselves, and at the same time, it may destroy the good relationship between the two sides.
The author calls the above two processing methods as “Fools’ Choices”.The problem is that it is necessary to make a choice between solving problems and maintenance relationships.If you want to solve the problem, you will destroy a good relationship; if you want to maintain the relationship, you will be silent.But is there any way to have both?The author requires adoption “Keep 100%respect“and”100%frank“Talk.
The true meaning of the key dialogue
Start from the heart
In every key dialogue, you have to concentrate on the purpose of conversation at all times, especially when the atmosphere of conversation tends to worse.You know, the only person you can control is yourself, and the old saying said, “When you are very angry
- For myself, what is the goal I most hope to achieve?
- For the object of conversation, what is the goal I want to reach the other party?
- How do I want to talk about the relationship between the two parties most?
- How can I do the above three?
There are two reasons for raising these issues: 1.What is the purpose of helping us keep in mind our conversation; 2.Remind us from time to time to remind us to keep the brain focus on the problem itself, not be restrained by emotions.For example, if you need to discuss the problem of using iPad for too long with your child, you may need to prepare the following four questions:
- What do I want to get most for myself?I most hope to let my children reduce the time to use ipads every day, and it is best to be within one and a half hours.
- What do I want him to get most about the talks?I hope that the child knows that his parents care about him very much, and let him know that excessive use of iPad will affect the vision and reduce the ability of the brain to think.
- I want to talk about the relationship between the two sides most?I hope that my children can understand each other and have a more harmonious relationship.
- How can I get the above three?I need to make sense calmly with my children, and fire cannot solve the problem.I can spend more time on my child.In the time period when children use iPad, take children to participate in sports activities or engage in reading activities, so that children can cultivate more interests, and at the same time transfer attention from iPad.
The above work requires you to prepare.At the same time, when a key dialogue, you need to remind you of the above four questions from time to time.
Let the brain have a dual-core treatment function
When we have a key dialogue, we need to pay attention to two things: the content of the conversation and the atmosphere of the conversation.At the same time, The atmosphere of conversation is preferred EssenceThe atmosphere of the conversation refers to the emotions and conversations of the conversation.The atmosphere is ease, relaxed or nervous, and stiff.In most cases, people will unknowingly put their attention on the content of the conversation, and do not observe the atmosphere of the conversation.This is the main reason why conversations are often in a deadlock.For example, when some parents talk to their children, their children’s emotions have been out of control, but parents are still scolding.Such conversations must fail because the atmosphere of conversation has been out of control.Sometimes, when we talk to our children again, we are already angry, and such conversations must also fail.
Therefore, when we have a key dialogue with our children, we need the atmosphere of the monitoring and conversation between the brain and the emotions and state of the conversation.If the situation is not right, we should immediately give up the specific content of the conversation and adjust the atmosphere of the conversation.EssenceSo how do you know that the conversation may have entered a state of warning?
The first is the signal on the body: when a person is emotionally changed, there will be changes in the body, such as the stomach tighten and the eyes will dry.Everyone’s performance is different;
The second is the changes in your own or others, such as feeling nervous, injury, angry, and so on;
The third is the change of behavior, such as the sound of the voice of words, or began to keep silent.
When the conversation is safe, you can say any content; when we find that the atmosphere of talking to children is nervous, the conversation is not safe enough, we need to adjust in time.
How to make the conversation return to safe?
During the conversation process, when you notice that your child is silent or counterattacked, then the conversation may no longer be safe.At this time, you can use the following methods to bring back the conversation back to safety:
- Give apology: When you noticed that some words hurt each other or make the other party uncomfortable, please apologize.
- Comparison explanation: Compare the goals and goals you want to achieve.
- Create a common purpose: When the two sides emphasize the common purpose, the atmosphere of the conversation will return to safety.
- Maintain 100%respect at all times: You need 100%respect for the conversation to ensure the smooth conversation.”Respect” is like air.When it is in it, you will not feel anything.When it is not there, the other party will be very uncomfortable.The key dialogue with the child is to respect the child 100%.
Control your emotions
In the process of conversation, you need to adjust your mentality and control your emotions.In many dialogues with children, parents are often angry or emotionally out of control.At this time, you need to withdraw from the conversation immediately, because a conversation with negative emotions will fail.You need to adjust your mentality and emotions, take a deep breath, start again from your heart, and ask yourself the following four questions again:
- For myself, what is the goal I most hope to achieve?
- For the object of conversation, what is the goal I want to reach the other party?
- How do I want to talk about the relationship between the two parties most?
- How can I do the above three?
By helping yourself find the purpose of the conversation, your emotions will also ease, so as to return to the conversation with a positive attitude and peaceful mood.
Steps to implement key dialogue
Share the facts pass
The facts are better than the point of view.Fact (FACT)Refers to the situation where the objective world is directly faced, including things, events, and things, and Option refers toIt is a judgment made based on the facts.From the perspective of different people, the facts are often unified and consistent, and the point of view is often “the benevolent see the benevolence, the wise sees wisdom” is not unified.At the beginning of a conversation, the most important thing is to share the facts without putting on a view prematurely.Premature opinions often cause doubts about conversation and dialogue, thereby destroying the safety of the conversation.Let’s take an example:
When you talk to your children about playing games, you might say, “How do you have no responsibility to yourself? Never study well.”What you mentioned “irresponsible” “not studying well” is the judgment you made based on the facts.At this time, the children often refute: “Why am I not responsible?”” “.However, if you change the strategy of conversation and start in the reality, it will often be recognized by the other party and achieve unexpected conversation effects.For example, you can say, “I see you get home every day, do not write homework first, but play about 3 hours of games first, and then, when you sleep, you hurriedly finish your homework.” So, this is this that is, this isIn fact, children have to admit such a fact.Starting your conversation with facts can allow both parties to achieve the same cognition.Conversely, if you start your conversation with your point of view, then there may be no way to go back to this conversation.
Put your point of view
The purpose of the key dialogue is to solve the problem, and you naturally need to put on your point of view.This is also the most difficult step in the key dialogue.Some people need a certain degree of courage and confidence to tell their own views, and others may need to put on a reasonable point of view, so as not to destroy the safety of the conversation.When you notice it, you notice that you notice it.When the atmosphere of the conversation appears crisis, you need to stop the content of the conversation immediately, and bring the conversation back to the safe area by emphasizing common purposes, comparison explanations, and respect.At the same time, when you put on a point of view, you must have enough courage to tell what you really want to achieve.However, when you express your point of view, you need to express your viewpoint, not the fact.For example, when you talk about reading the importance of reading with your child, you may say: “It is difficult for children who don’t read to make a lot of people in the future.” However, if you add a sentence before this sentence: “In my opinion”, then thenPerspective of the point of view, not the facts.
Encourage children to share their views
As parents, everyone may want their children to fully obey their parents, but children are also independent individuals.As they grow older, they will have their own independent thinking and cognition.ThereforeIt is more conducive to achieve a good conversation effectEssenceThe most important thing in this step is two points: “encourage“and”Safety“First of all, you need to encourage your children to tell their own ideas, which is closely related to your method and attitude in one step in” Putting your point of view “.Then children will be willing to share their own thoughts.The other point is safety.If you are inviting your child to share, the atmosphere of the conversation is not safe enough, then the child either dare not share or resist it.When the child can tell his thoughts, Then parents can better understand their children, so that they are targeted at the problem.For example, the parents through the child sharing and knowing that the child is less reading because the child is not interested in the book brought by the school, then this information is “take action” belowThe step is very important.
From dialogue to action
The ultimate purpose of the key dialogue is “Take action“, thereby”Solve the problem“After a series of conversations above, you will have a clearer understanding of your child’s ideas and current situations, so the last step is to take action between the two parties and make changes.For example, you have learned why the child is unwilling to wantReading, and you and your children have expressed their views, so how can the following below achieve the purpose of the dialogue?
For the relationship between parents and children, parents are absolute authority.This situation is often required by parents.For example, “you need to read more books every day”.Brainstorming“Find a reasonable and practical method, such as” Go to the bookstore to buy a children’s favorite science fiction, cultivate the interest of reading first “,” Parents finish eating at night, read the atmosphere of reading in the family for half an hour, and create a reading atmosphere in the family “and so on.wait.
Conclusion
George Herbert once said: “Good Words Are Worth and Cost Little.” Good language is worth thousands of dollars.Talking with children, often they will be key dialogues, such as learning, falling in love, and so on.Master the method of conversation of key dialogue, you will establish a better emotional connection with your children and achieve better talk effects.At the same time, you can share these techniques and methods with your children, and the child will definitely benefit for life.Let’s summarize several important knowledge points of key dialogue:
- Before the key dialogue, make full preparations;
- Starting from the heart, what kind of goal is hope for the dialogue to achieve yourself and the child;
- Maintain the stability of your own mentality, observe the atmosphere of the conversation and the child’s response;
- Starting from the facts, then express the point of view, and encourage children to express their views at the same time;
- Put the results of the dialogue into action to solve the problem.